The History Of Love.

by e:

Alma Singer.

"And then I realized that I'd been searching for the wrong person.

I looked into the eyes of the oldest man in the world for a boy who fell in love when he was ten."

Leopold Gursky

"So this is how they send the angel. Stalled at the age of when she loved you most.

...

It was true. She was familiar. And yet. She didn't look very much like my Alma, now that I really looked."

- Both found people they weren't looking for, without even knowing they were the people they were to be looking for -

Leopold Gursky.

She put one arm around me, I tapped her twice. She put both arms around me and hugged me. I stopped tapping.

Alma, I said

She said, Yes.

Alma, I said again.

She said, Yes.

Alma, I said.

She tapped me twice.

A Beautiful Ending to a Beautiful Book.

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

beauty in the breakdown?

Seems like at the moment, that is all I can do, and the only good think I can take from them is that I should be thankful that I have people that close?

I am finding it really difficult to settle.  I have come back from trips before, and I have been able to just JUMP back into life and be super happy and actually there. But this time is certainly different.

I can't seem to jump, or be super happy.

Oh and I am constantly zoning out. Not too good. It isn't even being here that is SO bad. It's not. It's just that its not there. And it isn't even "there" that I miss. It is them that I miss.

I keep waiting for this moment to arrive.

That moment of, 'e, you WILL be ok. Everything will work out.

I have great friends and family here.

It's just different, and I am just having a hard time transitioning.

I am also finding that I am really quiet. I never used to be quiet. Well not this quiet. I just am realising that I don't have much to say. Anything that I am talking about is stuff that happened to me when I was there. And sure that is "normal" because I have been home for a week. A week. 7 days. That isn't that long. I am quite happy just sitting and not having to fill the space. I mean I have SO many stories, but so many that I don't even know where to start.

Life is crazy.

Living on the other side of the planet from the people you hold most dear.

Is a lot harder than I thought it would.

And I thought it was going to be REALLY hard.

murder suicide.

by scout.

The coroner's report would determine it was a murder suicide.  My computer killed all the photos and videos of my Grandma before taking it's own life.  

If I could talk to it just one more time (or if it is listening somewhere out there in computer hell, where I know it went) I would just ask it one thing:

Why?

when it rains...

by scout.

I know that the new year is largely symbolic.  It's a calendar change, and holds no authority in our lives.  And I'm not superstitious!  But still, it doesn't seem to bode well that my first few days of 2008 have been filled with such undoing.  

First, I was robbed by my yoga "healing center".  Now if that isn't a load of bollocks, I'm afraid I don't know what is.  Not very zen-full is it?!  So yeah.  I received a gift certificate for a healing center to practice yoga at and now, without leaving forwarding information, the place has permanently closed.  The owner is a slimy sort who is difficult to track down.  Wouldn't be surprised to find him fleeing the country, yoga mat on back and pockets full of other people's cash!  

This morning, my macbook hard drive crashed and I believe I have lost all of my files.  This includes my music I was working on in Garageband, all my written files and photos and videos (some of my late Grandma).  I am trying not to be sick over this one until I've at least exhausted all possibilities of recovering the files somehow.  My love is actually attempting to do so at this very moment.  

And, to add insult to injury, I looked outside at the beautiful gloomy rain--which I've waited so long for--and find that my leather-hard ceramic pieces have been left out and have melted like the wicked witch upon the bannister.  There remains only a soddy puddle of white clay residue.  

So maybe I'm superstitious after all.

Being Home

by e.

New Years. What a joke right? Maybe i feel that way because I was not "fortunate enough" to be able to have one this year? Thats right I was non-existent for a whole day. That is possible if you fly towards the Land of Plenty [except for water, I have to go back to the bucket.] from the Land of Excess. I have never really been a HUGE fan of New Years, as it isn't really THAT big of a deal. But I did buy myself a $7.50 bottle of corona, because hey! I am back to where I can.

Waking up this morning was horrible. But I did sleep good because I have a bed!! YAY for MY [yes K, MY] bed! I woke up to the toilet flushing. I smiled and thought, YAY jonathans up!

False: It was not jonathan. That made me oh so sad. 

I guess that I should feel lucky that I have people that mean so much to me, that it hurts that they are not with me. Not everyone has that. ESPECIALLY when 2 of the 3 are in-laws. Not that I call them in-laws. It just sounds so formal and uncaring. Yet that is what we are expected to call them.

Well kids, I am home. It is weird, but I am hoping -slash- counting on the weirdness to go away. I need it to, so that i can function properly.

Scout- enjoy my scarf. I love you. Enjoy the last couple of days of break. Maybe once you start school it will be easier to not have me around.